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How Iconic Movie Characters Would Deal with a Zombie AttackThere's not a movie on Earth that wouldn't be drastically improved by the addition of zombies. Whether it's a romantic comedy, a buddy cop flick or a documentary about global warming, the inclusion of a sudden attack by relentless, blood-thirsty zombies is a surefire way to make any movie more compelling, more thrilling and more award-winning.To demonstrate this principle, we've hired a team of elite screenwriting geniuses who, using the finest Pentium computers available, are busy rewriting the classic movies of our age to include zombies. Below we present some of their work: Character studies used to illustrate how various iconic movie characters would handle a full scale zombie outbreak. John McClane (as seen in Die Hard)The SetupJohn McClane, a New York cop, is visiting his wife in L.A. where they're soon trapped in the upper stories of the Nakatomi building by a group of Europeans. A deadly and shoeless game of cat and mouse breaks out 40 stories above the city! Suddenly their battle is interrupted by a clamoring horde of zombies, who swarm the building from the streets below.Available WeaponsMcClane already has practical weapons at his disposal, in the form of a repossessed sub-machinegun and his trusty Beretta. His ability to improvise weapons is largely untested. In the film he does manage to fabricate a bomb out of an office chair, a monitor, an elevator shaft and a big bag of C4. Although this is technically improvised, making a bomb out of plastic explosives doesn't exactly require MacGyver levels of genius.AlliesNone. In fact, McClane is already surrounded by enemies. Europeans are shiftless and untrustworthy, with deceitful accents and tiny little feet. Worse yet, if the Europeans decide to join forces with the zombies, an outcome we believe to be probable, McClane will really have the deck stacked against him.Defensive SituationThe Nakatomi building is large, taking up an entire city block. Multiple entrances and exits make it hard to defend, and a rat's nest of elevator shafts and service passages allow multiple avenues for zombie penetration. A group of survivors working together could potentially hold an entire floor but, as we've said before, the prospect of anyone cooperating with Europeans stretches the limits of plausibility too far.Mental and Physical ToughnessMcClane is physically very tough, and wearing a tank top, which provides a modest level of ballistic protection. He can also definitely handle periods of stress, although he is known to be prone to spouting nonsensical catchphrases.Final VerdictIt looks like a hopeless situation for McClane, which can only mean that it's actually a hopeless situation for the zombies. Look for some horrific hand to hand zombie slaughter with a fire axe, as McClane clogs a stairwell with bodies. For the finale, expect to see the zombie masses lured to the roof by a clever ruse taped to McClane's back. Suddenly the C4 ignites, raining zombie parts down on the streets below. McClane escapes on a rope ladder (also taped to his back).Body Count: 12 Dead Terrorists, 342 Dead ZombiesSURVIVES Kevin McCallister (as seen in Home Alone)The SetupKevin McCallister has been left at home by his parents, accidentally. This light hearted tale of child abandonment is thrown for a loop when two clumsy burglars threaten to break into his cavernous house. As Kevin prepares for the burglars' visit, he's shocked to hear their screams of terror as they're cut down by the horde of zombies gathered outside. The zombies, having whetted their appetites, turn to assault Kevin in his home.Available WeaponsKevin's only firearm is a pellet gun, one with minimal stopping power.However, his ability to improvise weaponry is unparalleled and he has already fabricated an arsenal of makeshift weapons. These include ice covered steps, tar and nail traps, homemade flamethrowers, broken ornaments, Micro Machines on the floor and a couple of paint cans on ropes. Kevin's resourcefulness will serve him very well during this long night.AlliesSlim pickings. Down the road there's a crazy old man who will turn out to actually just be a regular old man. There's also Kevin's brother's pet tarantula and a taped movie with some gangsters on it. So not exactly the Super Friends — Kevin's going to largely be on his own here.Defensive SituationIffy. Kevin has made little attempt to actually secure his house, and instead focused on making it treacherous for anyone to enter. This technique might work well for a limited number of enemies, but modern zombie combat experts agree that a proper zombie fortification involves a fixed defensive line designed to hold at all costs. Given the sheer number of zombies, and their relentlessness, any ground ceded to them will be lost forever. Kevin should read his Sun Tzu (specifically the zombie appendix).Mental and Physical ToughnessWell, he's eight. Calling an eight-year-old tough is usually a polite way of saying they're fat, and Kevin certainly isn't that. Kevin's mental toughness is a different matter. Take note of how he was preparing for the arrival of two burglars. Instead of calling the police, he designed a series of booby traps that would extract a pound of flesh for every room taken. This implies a level of blood thirst that modern Home Alone scholars are only just now acknowledging. Kevin could end up surviving a zombie attack only to be lost in the psychotic blood-red caverns of his own mind.Final VerdictKevin does have an escape route built into his plan, but it only gets him as far as the tree house in his yard, which we should observe is now full of hungry zombies. Assuming zombies can't climb (oh shit!) he'll be able to hold out for a couple days, until he dies of thirst.Wow. We can't believe they billed this as a kid's movie.Body Count: Eight Dead ZombiesDEADBaby (as seen in Dirty Dancing)The SetupA summer vacation in a Catskill mountain resort sparks a romance between 17-year old Baby, and resort dance instructor Johnny. Over a backdrop of parties, dance lessons and botched abortions, their love blooms, until it's suddenly interrupted by the wave of zombies coming up the mountain road.Available WeaponsNo firearms, although the resort should be well equipped with landscaping implements which can be effective at removing zombies from their brains. Also look for lots of slow motion dancing high kicks to the face.And frenching!AlliesBaby's got Johnny, as well as her uptight, but well meaning father. Presumably the rest of the resort will group together as well; with the wealthy vacationers and working class staff learning to set aside their differences, while they hammer nails into baseball bats and stick rags into half-full bottles of vodka.Defensive SituationThe main resort building is large, with lots of entrances that need to be secured. But if those can be barricaded tightly, the survivors should be able to hold out for a long time. Watermelon supplies are adequate.Mental and Physical ToughnessBaby's a little uncoordinated, but otherwise in good shape. However it's unlikely that she's had to cope with an extended zombie attack in the private schools she's attended to date. Or maybe she has? Maybe Jewish private schools are way more awesome than anyone knows?Final VerdictSadly the barricades don't hold out forever, and the survivors will be overwhelmed by zombies. On the roof, a military chopper hovers overhead, soldiers reaching out to pluck survivors from the roof. Baby rushes at Johnny, who attempts to lift her to safety. She makes it! The chopper pulls away just in time. Below, Johnny is ripped to shreds by zombies. Pausing to reflect on recent events, Baby decides this truly was the time of her life.Body Count: Three Dead Zombies, one Dead Dance InstructorSURVIVEDTony Montana (as seen in Scarface)The SetupTony Montana has risen to the top of the Miami criminal underworld. An out of control drug problem is catching up with him however, and paranoia and powerful enemies threaten to take the kingpin down. In his home office discussing matters with his trustiest advisor (a huge pile of cocaine) Tony is startled to hear the sounds of gunfire from the perimeter of his estate. The zombies have arrived.Available WeaponsTony and his guards are extraordinarily well-armed with the latest in military hardware. We're not kidding; Tony's got a locker of guns, each about the size of his leg.This is smaller than the one he calls his "little friend." Yeah.The only real worry is if ammunition runs low. Will a yeyo-fueled Cuban psychopath be judicious with his use of munitions? Experience tells us "maybe."AlliesTony has an unspecified number of guards in horrible suits. They are all armed; though appear to be horrible shots. Shoulder those fuck-ing weapons you fuck-ing calk-ah-roches!Defensive SituationTony's compound does have a gate and wall, but it's unclear if that covers the entire perimeter. The house itself is in the style of a tropical villa, with lots of entryways and windows — not great for defense. Tony's wealth implies he should have a well-stocked pantry, so things look good on the supplies front.Mental and Physical ToughnessThere's reason to doubt Tony's mental ability to cope with a lengthy siege, mainly because of the aforementioned yeyo and the feelings Tony has for it.Hint: he has a big crush on it.Physically, there's less to worry about, as Tony Montana has the most hitpoints ever.Final VerdictTony is armed to the teeth and madder than a shit-house rat, and consequently, a whole bunch of zombies are about to get new orifices. Unfortunately for our swarthy hero, in a moment of... well, we'll call it overconfidence, he's going to charge directly at the zombie hordes, and attempt to bite them to death. For a couple minutes, this will actually work surprisingly well. And then, quite suddenly it won't. The zombies will overwhelm him, and up will rise Zombie Tony Montana. Holy shit, will that be a great sequel.Body Count: 3605 Dead ZombiesZOMBIFIEDHarry Potter (as seen in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)The SetupHarry Potter is a young boy who has just discovered he has a special gift — the ability to wield magic. Suddenly he's whisked away to the fantastic world of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and a world he's never seen before. New friends are made and adventures begin, only to be halted by the bone chilling sound of thousands of zombies, clamoring for brains.Available WeaponsIn his first year, Harry is only just learning magic and knows no offensive or defensive spells. However it is reasonable to assume that knowledge of basic stunning spells would trickle down to the first year students once the zombies show up.Also it's entirely possible (given J.K. Rowling's writing style) that the school grounds contain some preposterous artifact that is specifically designed for dealing with thousands of zombies at once. Look for Harry to find this artifact accidentally in the third act.AlliesHarry is surrounded by well wishers and friends, including his best friends Hermione and Ron. Harry will definitely appreciate having access to their brains and gingerness throughout this ordeal.Defensive SituationThis is really hard to say. On the one hand, Hogwarts is a castle, which is pretty much purpose-built to repel invaders and hold out through lengthy sieges. Combine that with a host of defensive spells and hexes placed around the grounds, and it's reasonable to assume Hogwarts is impenetrable. On the other hand, Hogwart's defenses seem to be penetrated by evil forces three to four times per school year. So expect the zombies to break through the gates within a couple hours.Mental and Physical ToughnessPhysically, Harry's a young boy, prone to getting pushed down, knocked out and roughed up. He's pretty agile on a broom however, so unless zombie's can fly (oh shit!), he's always got an out.Mentally, Harry endured years of stress filled oppression at the hands of his abusive relatives, the Dursleys. He's also extremely brave, regularly charging in to evil-filled caverns with little more than his enormous wizard-balls to get him out safely. We think he'd handle the strains of a zombie attack quite well.Final VerdictAside from maybe Forrest Gump, Harry is the most charmed movie character in cinematic history. He'll escape this incident with only a few minor injuries, which will be easily healed. Also, expect the group to find a way to cure all the zombies rather than kill them. What bullshit.Body Count: 0 Dead ZombiesSURVIVED
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