Autor Tópico: Beginners  (Lida 1560 vezes)

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Offline _tiago

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Beginners
« Online: 13 de Dezembro de 2010, 09:09:31 »
If someone here could correct short texts of a beginner, I would appreciate! There’s no sense, just worlds.

Suddenly, while he was following the rot of a mysterious cave, he found a thousand pieces of gold and more surprised than careful, he grab it with terrible greed. Fearful of losing his treasure, he looked around to make sure that he was alone. Then, he listen a noise above him and when he looked up, he saw a hive full of lean eyes that went for him. Scared, he ran until no more listen those little monsters, but every time he stopped, he listen those noise coming to him!
He begun to dig a cave where he could hide himself and he thought those monsters couldn’t pursue him inside. He listen it looking for him above and trying enter through his cave, but it was very well locked. Then, they set in a new hive above him. Believing that he could die inside those cave, he pushed up the gold as a sign of peace, but the bees were already living there with no interest in leaving from there.
At the height of his madness he tried to run away, but weak, they killed him.

Offline biscoito1r

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Re: Beginners
« Resposta #1 Online: 03 de Janeiro de 2011, 02:13:47 »
Suddenly, while he was following the rot of a mysterious cave, he found a thousand pieces of gold and more surprised than careful, he grab it with terrible greed. Fearful of losing his treasure, he looked around to make sure that he was alone. Then, he heard a noise from above him, and when he looked up, he saw a hive full of lean eyes that went for him. Scared, he ran until he could no longer hear those little monsters, but whenever he stopped, he could hear that noise coming after him!
He begun to dig a cave where he could hide himself and he thought those monsters couldn’t pursue him inside. He heard them trying to enter in his cave, but it was very well sealed. Then, they set in a new hive above him. Believing that he could die inside the cave, he pushed up the gold as a sign of peace, but the bees were already living there with no interest in leaving the place.
At the height of his madness he tried to run away, but weak, they killed him.
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity

Offline _tiago

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Re: Beginners
« Resposta #2 Online: 03 de Abril de 2011, 17:11:08 »
Biscoiiiitooo! :P
Another one, please!  :oops:


(Lonely morning)

She liked him, what to say?
Yesterday, one night long between his arms, his wet mouth liking hers – it was so good, it was fun. And today, nothing, just good memories wasting time before becoming a week after when nothing more happened. It’s always this way, the pleasure for  just one night, all energy and disposal, our mood getting intoxicated by the drink, facilitating the approach and making the talk better... All that intimacy and friendship just for the fun of a night!
A week after, I’ll do the same thing, despite of the meaningless that today suggests me not to do this anymore. Is this despite of the desire that it lasted more, that it becomes a relationship? Or just afraid of the loneliness, fear that it becomes an addiction?
Am I protecting me against myself?
This confusion, is this regret? But why, if yesterday was a good night? If I want the same thing that he wants, that we agreed with each other? I really don’t know what to think and because of it, I am doing my life...
And he, what does he think? Yesterday, the night was the night and nothing more... I’m young, why do I have to bother?

Offline biscoito1r

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Re: Beginners
« Resposta #3 Online: 23 de Abril de 2011, 01:46:10 »
your writing skills have improved significantly, you're no longer a beginner. The only thing that does not make sense is the "I'm doing my life", are you having sex with your life or are you committing suicide ? How about just "Living my life" ?
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity

Offline _tiago

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Re: Beginners
« Resposta #4 Online: 23 de Abril de 2011, 09:32:47 »
 :lol:

Offline _tiago

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Re: Beginners
« Resposta #5 Online: 23 de Abril de 2011, 09:33:06 »
And Thanks!

 

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