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Creationism & evolution definitions
« Online: 27 de Julho de 2005, 21:47:26 »
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Creationism

The idea that God was so bored out of his mind he spent 6 days creating everything in the Universe, and for good measure put in several jokes to fool us into believing it must have taken him much longer.

According to this theory, He created everything in media res, ie, right in the middle of the action. Although the Universe is only 6000 years old, we see light from stars which appears to have taken billions of years to reach Earth. Although radioactive minerals in rocks appears to have taken billions of years to decay to the state we see in nature, the rocks are really only 6000 years old.

This is because God is really really sneaky. Basically, an omnipotent being can make a Universe any way He wants. He can make it so that everyone chooses of their own free will to be good; and evil and suffering don't exist. He can teach each and every human soul to reach salvation, no matter how long it takes (He's got all the time in the Universe and more if He wants it.)

But, according to Creationism, that's not what God did. Instead, He made malaria, elephantiasis, and bone-break fever. The theory of Creationism implies that a perfect, benevolent, all-powerful Being created a Universe which He knew would produce not only Jeffery Dahmer but The Backstreet Boys as well.

Needless to say, Creationism is highly regarded because it is almost perfectly illogical and incomprehensible -- harder to make sense of than Einstein's general relativity, quantum mechanics, and Keynesian economics combined. Something this nutty just has to be true.

On the other hand, some hold that Creationism has fallen into disrepute and has been called by renowned scientists across the globe: "A disease of the mind, in the same family as coprophilia, necrophilia, Gonorrhea Lectim, and fret wanking".
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Alternate Theories

An alternate theory is that the universe is really just a giant Pez dispenser for God.

It may also be possible that the Universe is a cosmic soap opera for a Supremely bored God.

See also: Intelligent Design, Carl Peterson.


In spite of the obviously insane nature of the theory of creationism, some people take the whole farce frightfully seriously. If you want to laugh at them, visit http://www.answersingenesis.org

Or conversely,

The main article sets up several straw-man arguments and is banking on the ignorance of the readers. To find out what Creationists really believe I suggest that the curious reader visit http://www.answersingenesis.org

And of course, you can put two creationists in a room and you can come out with any number of distinct theories, including the quanities 3, 1/2, 1/3, 3 2/4, and SQRT(-1).


http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Creationism


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Evolution


Evolution is a process that allows dinosaurs to lay chicken eggs and monkeys to give birth to humans. Usually evolution is seen to be a sign of progress, but this doesn't explain George W. Bush. Evolution was a popular pseudoscience in the late twentieth century, before scientists finally proved the truth of Creationism.

The religion of evolution is characterised by the assertion that all humans originated in antiquity from a single created being, named Eve.

Eve was a mate created as an Act of Will (Latin volute) from a boar rib by Adam, after the Cylons had wiped out the rest of the human race in a war.

The destruction and rebirth via Will of the Human Race is a central tenet of Evolutionism. The central Evolutionism book of dogma, the Bable, describes many such events. Noah's purchase of his wife using the gold found at the end of the rainbow after the flood was one. Doctor Frankenstein creating a woman from body parts after the Industrial Revolution, and Moses transforming Pharoah's staff into a girl after the seven plagues are also typical.

Evolution is contrasted by revolution, where instead of waiting a generation for change, one thing is changed into another directly. For instance college students have been know to transform into asses.

Chuck Norris is seen as the best achievement of evolution today. The second best achievement of evolution are the Cylons.

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Charles Darwin, the man whose need to blame somebody for his scary eyes and prehistoric brow led him to propose the theory of evolution. Now you know why he grew that beard.


See Also
Monkeys
Unintelligent Design
Cylons
Chuck Norris

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Evolution


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