An Interview with the Grand High Llama of the IPU - Rich Daniel
Does the IPU really exist?
As much as god exists or Eric Draven for that matter. Take one horse. Paint it pink, put a horn on its head, make it invisible and you have an invisible pink unicorn. Does this mean its possible? Conventional Wisdom strictly forbids such an action. Of course Conventional Wisdom was sadly mistaken about the shape of the earth now wasn't it? The Earth didn't suddenly decide to become spherical in reaction to a popular poll. There isn't any proof that you can't have an IPU any more than there is proof that you can have one. If one is to deny the existence of the IPU one need to deny the existence of god, Santa Claus, truth in advertising, political reform, Jesus, and all other things that are intangible and not present on top of your terminal staring you right in the face at this moment. Can't have one or the other, this isn't the 31 flavours of philosophy. Accepting one implausible scheme such as waking up alive with all bodily functions still working requires that one admit that all other implausible schemes in the universe are possible. In fact the IPU is implausibility itself.
Is there a point to this?
Yes! The IPU is the cosmic guru of uncertainty. Since its invisible it can't possible be pink but it is. You're feeling uncertain right now aren't you. It is and it isn't at the same time. Normally only certain cats trapped in boxes with 50% chances to live could be and not be at the same time. The cat undergoes wave collapse but the IPU is beyond that. Its is both at the same time because you can't be certain what the hell it is, pink or invisible because you can't find it to check. Schrodinger was on the entirely wrong track with the kitty idea. The IPU isn't sure either since it can't exactly look in a mirror. It experience the essence of being pink and invisible at the same time. Such miracles are not easily come by mere mortal.
So is the IPU god?
No more than David Bowie. The IPU does not have demands of its followers. It does not demand tribute or place silly restrictions on their behaviour, dress, where they spend Saturday night, or what brand of Tequilla they consume. The IPU just is. Accept it believer since the most holy horn will not skewer you if you choose not to, in fact the IPU will do NOTHING to you if you don't choose to accept its existence. This is a non threatening religion, we have quite enough of the threatening kind already.
Where did the IPU come from?
Legend has it that someone on alt.atheism quipped that god(tm) was as logical as pixies or invisible pink unicorns. A certain someone was tickled pink (so to speak) by the idea and decided to start a new religion based on an invisible pink unicorn. This of course is merely legend and rather silly. The IPU has existed always and always will exist as the true incarnation of all that is invisible, pink, horny, and uncertain in the universe. The unicorn is responsible for all the uncertainty in the universe. It causes quantum particles be completely indeterminate, it makes the actions of Mother Nature mysterious, is responsible for an infinite number of strange and unpredictable actions and makes a damn fine tequilla sunrise. In the beginning when some furry guy in a white robe said 'let there be light' the IPU lit a clove from it. The holy smoke from the original clove defracted the light and started the random motion of light which for some unknown reason looked more than a little like Salvador Dali. Thus was born uncertainty.
So like the IPU is kind of like, uncertain?
While the IPU is the embodiment of uncertainty he/she/it/? certainly does not like stupid or fluffy people. Nor does the IPU like people who pretend they have all the bloody answers and you're just too blind and one of these days you'll pay for your lack of faith unbeliever. Hence the IPU does not require faith but exists regardless of doubt as there simply isn't a way to prove that it doesn't exist. As its invisible one can neither say its pink or not pink or something else entirely so it's entirely uncertain that its pink. If it wasn't pink it wouldn't be the Invisible Pink Unicorn now would it?
Why a unicorn?
It's 1000 times cuter than a purple assed baboon (apologies to W. Burroughs) and much more uncertain. Just because you haven't seen a unicorn dosen't mean they don't exist. I haven't seen quarks, electrons, or Peter Murphy for that matter, but I still accept their existence even though I have no direct evidence for their existence. Unicorns are special creatures which exist seemingly in the imagination but there isn't any reason they can't exist. Horses with horns in their foreheads who can only be approach by virgins are perfectly logical, their existence has not been confirmed yet.
How can one believe in the IPU?
Simple. Do so. Its not that difficult. Accept the IPU as something that exists. There isn't a way to deny its existence without denying the existence of all that cannot be directly observed by one's own sensory organs. Taking into account optical illusions, LSD, and dreams for example one can easily see how fallible even these means of observation are. There really isn't anything you can put your trust into. The people who most want to tell you that they can be trusted are those you can least afford to do so, sales representatives, politicians, insurance agents, and religious figures.
You're a religious figure, can I trust you?
As far as you can throw me. As I'm a skinny gothy type this depends on who's doing the throwing. Again its a matter of personal preference. I could be totally insane and spouting lies, or one of the most rational people around or both at the same time. There's always the chance that the Invisible Pink Unicorn is indeed sleeping at the foot of my bed and drinking my wine. Its a matter for one's personal consideration. The IPU is uncertain. It cannot be logically shown that the IPU exists or doesn't exist as much as you can tell if I'm lying or not. Most mundane heads would have exploded by now but if your cranium is still intact is it up to you gentle reader to ascertain the truth of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.
This doesn't make sense.
That's the idea. The IPU doesn't make logical sense but neither do the laws of physics. They make sense to cult members who undergo a lengthy initiation, namely physicists. Nothing in the universe makes sense, the IPU is merely the first being to be honest about it. The universe just is, only logic makes us act in strange ways. Logic is what starts wars, causes misery, starts famine, and makes a really bad cup of tea. Rejecting logic is the first step to enlightenment. Logic is what tells you to cut your hair, buy sensible shoes, that your aspirations in life are a BMW, things from The Sharper Image catalogue, and that wearing velvet, lace and lots of mascara is a silly idea.
Are there any religious tracts?
Yes. The entire truth of the universe were inscribed on the sacred tablets of the IPU by the IPU itself. Unfortunately the tablets were comprised of the purest cubic zirconium and any attempt to read them using a light source results in blinding refraction effects that would sear the retina through welding glasses. Needless to say they're impossible to read and the IPU wasn't paying much attention to what was being written down and is struggling to remember. Oh well. You've seen one universal truth you've seen them all.
http://www.palmyria.co.uk/humour/ipu.htm
